Jaded

At a mamak stall nearby for dinner.....

Xin Yi : You look kinda stress bro after the sem break.

Me : Do I? Or do you mean I look very relaxed before this? haha..( faking laughs)

Xin Yi : No lah, you looked tired, thatz all. Pretty busy huh in uni.

Me: Yea, I guess so........


Busy? Ain't I busy all my life? In school, in sixth form, in the band, in Citrus. But i had always keep up with a smile and hope people will at least think that every little thing is gonna be alright. But why so tired lately. I know Venodth will say the same old "Why so Serious?" phrase when he sees me like this. Haha...

A lot of things had been running in my head. I tried to delay those problems but I know sooner or later reality will just smack me right on my face. I ain't tired because of all the assignments and stuff. I am not physically tired either. Whatz bothering me is my mental fitness I think. I don't think i have to tell anyone about how am I lately before this but just for the sake of the blogsphere, I will just tell you whatz bothering me now. After all, here is the place where I can Unmasked, just like the title header.

I think most of my friends know what my true ambition is. Which is to be a Petroleum engineer or scientist. When I first step into USM, I've already put a lot of effort to let my dreams go by and concentrate on becoming a statistician in the future. Everytime when i sit in front of the computer to do my assignment, I tell myself that this is so just not me. I am a hands on person. I like to get my hands dirty when I am doing my work. I am not the type of people who sits around some cubicle in some office doing computer-generated-work. In fact, ever since I was young, I was exposed with all those engineering life by people telling me that the most successful person in the world are those who is willing to get their hands dirty and do their work, not those who sit in some cosy office and boss people around. The "office" time will come when we work to the top of the engineering level.

Statistic?, My hands are clean...haha...

Okla, this is a bad joke as my coursemates are taking it as well. Actually all this were brought back up during the Kampar UTAR trip last week when i met up with William who is on Petronas Scholarship doing Petroleum Engineering in UTP. When he talks about Shell, Petronas, ExxonMobil, and Schulmberger. It caught my attention on. These are the companies I used to aimed for last time for my future. When he explains about how drilling works and the oil supply of the world are still in mass abundance,I was pretty intrigue and it makes me reminisce about my old days in sixth form telling people why i wanna study things like GeoPhysics next time in the varsity.

Now, the problem is this.... Should I go ahead with my dreams and leave my friends behind here in USM or should i save time, stay put in USM instead and continue the life I have now. Life now is not bad, but the problem is the dilemma i always have in my head whether should I go on or not. I kinda have a few sleepless nights since the meeting with William. Everynight, i will muse for sometime about it before I sleep and before i know it, it is way passed bedtime already. Every morning I told myself to wake up from my dreams and shrug the dilemma away for the next day.

But in actual fact, how many more days can I do this? Application for UTP is going to open in 2 to 3 months time. If i still can't decide by then whether to stay put in USM or go to UTP, I will have a bigger headache. Another option is to apply into geophysics in USM. That will give me what I wanna study and in the ideal varsity of my choice. But being in that situation will have a hefty price to pay, I got to study my head off to get a high CGPA in my current course and then catch up with the studies in GeoPhysics if i get accepted into. And the most expensive price is, I waste one year in USM.

A lot of people told me that one year ain't much to bear. But when you see your friends being in second year and you still stuck in first, I'm sure you feel uneasy but thatz the price to pay for being in the best situation. Life as a Malaysian Chinese isn't easy. A lot of paths aren't for us to decide, such as getting into a good course, in a good varsity but entirely not our choice. These kind of situation are what that mess up your sanity.

So do I still look tired to you? If yes, you will know why...
and one more thing, deep intervention sought here, please feel free to comment,
if you wanna smack me to reality, go ahead too.. I can handle.. haha..

cyaz....